Did you ever just want to flee?
Just drop what you have in hand at that very moment and just run.
Never looking back.
I have. Even from myself.
Last night I didn’t sleep to well. It’s like my mind just wouldn’t turn off.
Analyzing conversations, things that have been said to me and moments that have gone by.
I wish I could flee.
Flee from current relationships and friendships. Flee from the pain and stress that they cause or at least have the strength and ability to choose what I want to endure. Mute the unwanted opinions of selfish, drama seeking friends and anyone who doesn’t agree with what I say would make me happy.
Amend the fact that I am not strong enough to make changes on my own or have someone be the one to push me into making these changes. Not just changes that would only benefit them but the changes that would benefit me.
Flee the polluted thoughts in my mind. Flee from the thoughts of punishing that one person who penalized me without reason. Flee the pain this causes me. Flee the rage that I feel that my health is what it is and that I feel like crap day in and day out. Flee the anger I have, the feeling of stupidity it has given me.
Flee the impatient feeling I get the second I walk through the door of my employer. Abandon the animosity I feel when the petty bitches that I work with complain about doing their jobs or when they whine about not knowing which over-priced make-up to buy this week. Disregard the shit-talking I hear, the looks that I get because my priorities and values differ from those that are shallow.
Flee the anger that I have in my heart because for years now I have gone to work every day and busted my ass to not only take care of my children, the only ones who I am obligated to care for, but for other adults too. Sitting in work, stressing about things and seeing these people on social media throughout the day without a care in the world talking about how hard their lives are and how tired they are. From what? Who knows? I guess it is hard work typing status after status throughout the day regarding your political opinions and downing others when you yourself are doing nothing. No worries of bills. No worries about how their next meal will make it to the table. No worries about how the electric will get paid that they use to charge those phones to write those statuses. No worries about how they will keep warm during the winter months or cool during the blistering summer heat. No worries about anything. None.
Flee the notion I have that I am not a priority to anyone, that my feelings do not matter. Not even to myself.
I’m not sure how to stop this thinking at night. I don’t know how to not brew on things so that I can fall asleep peacefully without the assistance of a “PM” medication. I am so tired of hiding how I feel about things to please everyone. To please everyone but myself.
It was just a bad night.
I guess this is just my life and I should get just over it. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am dramatic and make things out to be worse than they actually are. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if it’s me.
I just want to sleep. To escape. To go to my happy place. To walk away. To Flee.
To start over.